


You covered my Heart in Kisses

by Peanut739



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Masturbation, References to Depression, Romance, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Why am I so obsessed with AUs?, tags will be added along the way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-09-27 13:30:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 21,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10022690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peanut739/pseuds/Peanut739
Summary: "If we lose hope, there is nothing left."Alec Lightwood has lost everything. His family, his home, all hope in life. In one fateful night he meets Magnus Bane, who, more than Alec realizes, understands.





	1. Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, it is I!  
> Yes, that was necessary.  
> I've started uploading all my stories here since SOME other platforms seem to be having friggin stability problems...But oh well.  
> This story is (partially) based on the song 'Dressed in Black' by Sia. Whether or not you'll read this story, you should go and listen to that song. It's quite good. Trust me. Seriously.
> 
> Also, quick note, updates on this Fic might take a while since I want this to be a nice one and not just some side project I stop caring about after a while...
> 
> More tags and characters will be added along the way, planning is seriously not my strong suit...  
> Okay, enough rambling. Enjoy~

It was ironic, really. The heavy rain washing over the city, the wind flaying against trees and buildings, the lightning illuminating the pitch black night sky, the thunder rippling through the thick air. Everything just seems so impossibly fitting. It was a perfect storm, second to none Alec Lightwood had ever experienced.

 

Whenever people said ‘It gets better’, Alec wanted to believe them – at some point, he really did. But that was prior to tonight. It was in this stormy, deadly night that Alec lost all hope. He had lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel for so long, he couldn’t even remember when he last felt that life was worth living – until now, he just never admitted to those feelings. Tonight was just the culmination of all the things that could ever go wrong, the epitome of sorrow, the climax of his sad, unbearable existence.

 

Alec was alone. So very alone. Whether the drops on his face were rain or tears, he didn’t know and it didn’t matter. The storm brought forth what Alec was feeling deep down, it felt like a painting of his innermost sanctum that had been deviled by darkness.

 

As soon as you lose hope, there really isn’t much left in life. That is exactly how Alec felt right now, a result of all the events in his life leading to this point. He was shattered and could never be placed back together. Which is why he was cowering in a dark alleyway, somewhere in Brooklyn.

 

The images still flashed before his inner eye and he couldn’t shut them out. His parents yelling, his siblings crying, the darkness, the pain – and then he ran. He ran and it didn’t matter where to; he didn’t have a home anymore, he didn’t know what to do, but what he did know, is that he couldn’t stay anymore.

 

Now he was alone. His feet carried him as far as they could, but they’d given out right here. Alec didn’t know how long he’d been sitting here, but he was still weeping, his body had started to shake from the cold rain on his skin. He felt like a little child, lost and confused and vulnerable. He felt like nothing could ever change that again, things would never go back to being normal.

 

“Are you alright?” A voice cut through the night. Startled, Alec looked up. His mind told him to run away again, but his body wouldn’t comply, he was too exhausted. He couldn’t make out who was standing there with him in the alleyway. The darkness veiled the face of the mysterious stranger, and Alec gulped in fear. It was unreasonable, he didn’t have anything left to loose. Whatever this stranger would do to him, it wouldn’t matter anymore. As he stepped closer, Alec closed his eyes and lowered his head, expecting the worst.

 

The stranger stopped in front of Alec. Instead of speaking again, he slowly kneeled down and looked the boy over. Alec heard that he had settled down in front of him, but he didn’t look up, fear had petrified him. Slowly, the man reached out and his soft, warm hand met the wet fabric of Alec’s shirt. Alec immediately squirmed away from the touch. He couldn’t see it, but the man’s expression changed into an anguished, sad, hurt, but understanding one. And the man didn’t leave, he didn’t move away, he did not falter.

 

“Rough night, huh?” the man inquired as he sat down in front of Alec. The boy didn’t answer, that didn’t stop the man. “You don’t look like you’re homeless…at least you haven’t been for too long.” Still no reaction. The man sighed. “You can’t stay out here all night. Would you please look at me?”

 

Something in his voice, maybe the warm, soothing undertone, convinced Alec to let his guard down in the slightest. He peeked up and his eyes shortly met the stranger’s. Auburn orbs met hazel one’s that had lost all of their innocence. No – lost was the wrong word to describe what happened to them. Ripped away, taken, stolen.

 

“What’s your name?” the stranger inquired. His voice did not waver, it did not shake. It sounded honest and caring, and it was so unfitting of this terrible storm and this fateful night. Like in a trance, Alec was compelled to answer.

 

“Al-Alec…it’s Alec.” The stranger seemed relieved, he let out a sigh. “Good. Alec, what are you doing out in this terrible storm? You’re going to freeze to death. Do you want me to bring you back home?”

 

The very thought of the word ‘home’ seemed pointless. Alec didn’t have one anymore. “No…I c-can’t,” he said. His voice was shaking, not only because of the coldness, but also because he was hurt – so very hurt. The scars on Alec’s body and soul would never fade, they would always remain and mock him for his weakness.

 

The man looked distressed. Alec saw a familiar emotion in his eyes; hurt. It swirled around his brown orbs and mixed with the concern he tried to show. He looked pained because of the boy’s words.

 

“My name is Magnus,” the man said. He still hadn’t moved since he lowered himself towards Alec. In this moment, he almost felt like an equal. “Will you let me help you?”

 

Alec looked away. He didn’t need pity and he certainly didn’t want help. He had no reason to trust this man and he wouldn’t allow hope to take root in his heart again.

 

“I d-don’t need your h-help,” Alec said, though he couldn’t bring himself to meet the man’s eyes again. He felt like if he did, he’d be lost in them forever. Alec couldn’t stop his lips from wavering, announcing the tears that would stain his skin again at any moment now.

 

The man reached out again. The numerous rings on his hand glinted through the darkness, as if his hand was surrounded by stars. “Please, Alec. Look at me.” He sounded compelling, desperate, needing. As his hand touched Alec’s face softly and turned it towards his own, the sorrow overtook Alec again. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone had touched him so softly and with so much care. He was ashamed of the tears that gave away how scared he was.

 

“You don’t know me,” was all he could bring himself to say. Still, Magnus did not back away. Nothing could shake him, nothing could strike down his concern, his warmth. “You are right. I don’t know you. And I can only imagine what you are going through. But I will not let you die out here. Looking at you, I know that you won’t make it through the night. So please, come with me.”

 

Alec’s eyes widened. He tried so desperately to withdraw. But he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. This didn’t make sense. This world is cruel, unforgiving and cold. It is a sinister place that takes and takes and takes.

 

As Magnus stood up and reached a hand out towards Alec, urging him to take it, something that Alec had lost, crept its way back into his being. He didn’t know it yet and perhaps, he never would. Perhaps, he would lose it again. But right now it was there.

 

With a shudder, Alec gave in. He took the stranger’s hand. As he looked up at Magnus, he saw that he still had not faltered, if anything, he seemed more determined than before. And as their skin touched, a weak smile graced Magnus’ lips. It wasn’t out of joy or relief. He smiled because he realized that he held what Alec must have lost – what he himself had lost before, and what he had worked so hard for to regain.

 

As Alec got to his feet, the last thing he remembers is his vision growing darker, mirroring the stormy night, as his consciousness faded away. Something grasped him, something held him, something was there.

 

Above their heads, a vanishing cloud revealed the pale full moon.


	2. Listen

Warmth, protection, safety. Those were the things Alec wasn’t supposed to feel anymore. All of those, he had lost.

 

When he woke up the next morning, something was off. He knew it immediately. As Alec realized that he was not in his own room, the memories of the previous night crept their way back into his thoughts and tainted them.

 

He had a headache, he felt horrible, he felt spent. Though his mind was still clouded, another, alarming thought appeared. Where was he? Taking a look around the room, Alec couldn’t identify it, he’d never been here. Light-red walls cornered the bed he was sleeping in. A wardrobe was standing across the room next to a window. There were two wooden doors on different sides of the room.

 

When Alec got out of the bed he felt the chilly air enveloping his body. It was in that moment that he realized he wasn’t clothed properly. His shirt and jeans were missing. Panic arose in his chest. Alec couldn’t recall what exactly happened before he fell asleep. He searched the room for his clothes, but couldn’t find them. The only clothing he could find in the wardrobe would be too small for him, but it would have to do for the moment. Alec took out a shirt and sweatpants.

 

As he was about to put the clothes on, one of the wooden doors slowly opened, revealing the stranger – Magnus – from yesterday. Alec quickly tried to cover his body up, embarrassed by how vulnerable he must’ve looked.

 

Magnus stared for a moment in shock, before he turned his head away. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you were up! I’ll uh…just, uhm, put some clothes on and then we can talk, okay?” After that he stumbled out of the room before Alec, whose cheeks had turned pink, could even react.

 

He had a lot of questions, alright. Alec tried to order his thoughts as he got dressed, but his hammering headache wasn’t helping. Before he followed Magnus out of the room, he took a deep breath and tried to calm down as best as he could.

 

Magnus’ apartment was…something else. When Alec opened the door Magnus had stepped out of prior, he was standing in an enormous open room. The walls were painted in different shades of red and purple, the furniture looked extravagant and over-the-top, but somehow it fit. There were some pictures and paintings on the walls, all of them with some abstract artwork on them. To the right, there was a balcony which overlooked New York, the sky was still shrouded in dark clouds, but the first sunrays were seeping through.

 

“Good, you’re all dressed up,” a voice chimed from across the room. Alec found Magnus standing in what seemed like the kitchen area with two plates in his hand, which he sat on a table. “I made breakfast.”

 

Alec slowly shuffled towards Magnus. Part of his mind was yelling for him to get away, make a run for it, and never look back. But another part told him to stay and let this man explain – maybe Alec needed to understand what happened and why Magnus helped him.

 

As Alec sat down at the table, Magnus was eyeing him with a small smile that hid so many thoughts and feelings, Alec could never hope to decipher all of them. “What happened last night?” Alec finally asked tentatively.

 

“I found you in an alley, you were soaking wet and crying…I offered you to come with me, but when you got up you passed out, so I had to carry you here,” Magnus explained, but Alec wasn’t quite satisfied with that answer. He couldn’t fathom why a random stranger would even care to take a second look at him, no matter the circumstances.

 

“And where exactly did my clothes go?” Alec asked accusingly. Magnus cheeks flared up, a scarlet blush graced them. “Sorry about that…you probably think I’m some kind of pervert,” he began, and indeed, that was what Alec was afraid of. “It isn’t like that, really! Your clothes were wet and if I left them I thought you’d catch a cold or something like that…sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I swear it.”

 

Alec really had no reason to trust or distrust this man at the moment. He needed to know more. “Why did you help me? Where am I anyways?” Magnus seemed more than glad to shift the conversation away from the awkwardness that was the ‘missing-clothes incident’.

 

“You’re in my apartment. We’re in Brooklyn, if that matters. And as to why I brought you here…” Magnus’ voice trailed off. He seemed lost in his own thoughts, unable to articulate them properly. “I told you yesterday, I was worried for your safety out there.”

 

Alec couldn’t possibly wrap his head around Magnus’ last words. It didn’t make sense, they were strangers, they had never met each other before, yet Magnus seemed so determined to help, even now.

 

“You don’t know me. You know nothing about me. Why would you help me?!” Alec exclaimed, not because he was angry – well, not entirely for that reason – but because he was confused and, more than he’d like to admit, scared. “Honestly? When I first saw you, I wasn’t going to do anything. But then I saw how young you are-“ “I’m 18! You look barely older than me!” Alec quickly countered, which only caused Magnus to raise his hand dismissively. “That’s beside the point.”

 

“Anyways, I don’t know what happened to you and why you were on the streets yesterday, and I won’t force you to tell me anything but…” Magnus sighed, he still didn’t seem able to convey his thoughts. Alec didn’t know how to feel; in this moment, Magnus seemed barely more responsible or mature than him. Somehow the two could find a part of each other inside themselves, and it scared them both.

 

“I saw your scars Alec.”

 

Alec’s eyes widened at a sudden realization. Magnus had taken off his shirt, which means…He could see them. All of them. The ones he caused himself, and the ones he didn’t. All of his past was laid bare before this stranger. Never before in his life had Alec felt so vulnerable, not even with his parents.

 

“I need to leave.” Alec’s voice was deathly calm, but his racing heart betrayed his true feelings. “Thank you for your hospitality, but I will leave now.” Just like that, Alec pushed himself off the chair he was sitting on and darted towards, what seemed like, the apartment’s main entrance.

 

Alec’s mind was flushed, he could only hear his roaring blood, and he could feel absolutely nothing. Nothing, not even Magnus calling out to him, seemed to have any effect on his newfound determination to leave this place as quickly as possible. Only when Magnus threw himself between Alec and the door was the latter ripped out of his trance.

 

“Get out of my way,” Alec demanded, his voice still chilly. But Magnus, though he was smaller, and certainly intimidated by Alec’s posture, didn’t move away. “Please Alec, listen to me. Just let me talk.” “I don’t know you, and you don’t know me! You have no right to keep me here, so get out of the way right now!” Though Alec was yelling, his voice didn’t project anger – only hurt and fear.

 

“You’re right. I don’t know you. But I understand, believe me-“ “You understand nothing!” Alec felt like a cornered animal, though it was actually Magnus who’d been cornered by him. Alec took a step towards Magnus, towering over him, clenching his fists and jaw, trying everything in his power to convey a sense of thread towards the other.

 

Magnus gulped. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t intimidated, but he couldn’t let the younger man leave like that – who knew what he would do to himself. The only way Magnus could think of to make him stay and listen, was to show that they were not as different as Alec might have thought.

 

As Magnus slowly lifted the sleeve of his shirt and revealed what was beneath, Alec’s breath hitched and his stance shifted. They just stood there for a moment, as Alec tried to process what was happening. Magnus, sensing the change in the boy, reached out to touch his shoulder.

 

“Now will you please listen to me,” he begged.


	3. Relate

They say if you find someone who shared your pain, who knows what you’re going through, things will get easier. Life won’t be easier or more welcoming, but at least, there’s someone who understands.

 

“What do you want? Why would you show me-“ “Please, Alec. I just want to talk to you. Now sit back down, and if you still feel like you need to leave afterwards, I won’t stand in your way.”

 

The atmosphere in the room was still tense and the silence that filled it was almost unbearable, though it was so meaningful - many unspoken emotions were spinning through the air.

 

“Fine.” Alec’s plan was to listen to what Magnus had to say, and then get away as fast as possible. He couldn’t be here anymore, Alec just needed to…well, he didn’t exactly know what he needed. There was nothing left for him, and he felt like being in this room, in Magnus’ apartment, might give him a false sense of hope. Alec didn’t believe that he would get better, he didn’t want to believe that – but maybe he just couldn’t, at least not at the moment.

 

As they sat down again, Magnus looked to Alec, who crossed his arms and was patiently waiting for him to explain. It took a lot out of Magnus to talk about his past, even more so when it was to a complete stranger, but he knew Alec needed someone who could relate.

 

Taking a last, calming breath, Magnus began his story.

“When I was about 17, I was in a really dark place in my life. I didn’t have many friends and none of them were really close to me…My parents were – well, my father was a horrible person. I was sad, scared, and depressed. One day I decided I didn’t want to take any of it anymore. I wanted to throw myself off a rooftop, but before I could jump, a man came along and stopped me. He talked to me for hours about the most insignificant things, but somehow, afterwards, I realized that there’s still hope in this world, even for people like me.”

 

Magnus smiled, though he didn’t reveal his entire story – he didn’t need to burden Alec with it – it always felt good to talk about it, even if those were dark times. But every time Magnus talked about it, the pain was lessened.

“I realized that, had I killed myself that day, I’d have regretted it – as confusing as that sounds…”

 

Alec looked into Magnus’ eyes, searching for his motives. Why would he tell his story like that?

 

“And what does this have to do with me? I never went as far as trying to kill myself.” “But you thought about it, haven’t you?” Alec was silent. Truthfully, he had. Immediately after he left his home yesterday, all he wanted to do was stop existing altogether. To take the pain and sorrow away.

 

“I guess I see myself in you, Alec. I don’t think anyone should ever just give up like I almost did. So…if you want to talk, if you need a friend, I’m here.”

 

There it was again. This strange, welcoming warmth that seemed to seep out of Magnus’ smile. Alec didn’t know how this simple gesture could put him at ease, yet it did. Or maybe it was what Magnus said; he cared.

 

Magnus sensed the conflict within Alec. It was understandable, really – he didn’t expect the boy to trust him right away, why should he? But Magnus needed him to, at least for a bit.

 

“If you don’t want to talk about whatever happened yesterday, you could just tell me about yourself for a start.” Magnus tried to ease Alec into a conversation, make him feel comfortable – a tactic he had adopted through many dates he went on in the past years.

 

Alec shrugged. “There isn’t much to tell. You know my name and how old I am. I finished school this year, but I don’t know what I’m going to do next…” He hoped Magnus would be satisfied with his answer.

 

Originally, Alec planned on spending a gap year abroad, or maybe just at home, figuring out what he wanted to do now that school was over. He still hadn’t decided yet.

 

Magnus seemed to be satisfied with Alec’s explanation. “I think that’s reasonable, I don’t know what I want to do with my life yet either. I’ve taken some time off to figure that out as well,” he explained. Alec was thoroughly confused. “How old exactly are you?” A blunt question, the only type of questions Alec deemed worthy of answers. “Excuse me, I’m only 21, thank you very much!” Magnus feigned hurt, trying to create a more relaxed atmosphere.

 

“What have you done since you got out of school then?” Another rather blunt question, even Magnus realized that, though he was in no place to be offended. He was finally getting some form of conversation out of the boy and if that needed more explanations on his own side, that’d be fine.

 

“I can live quite comfortably off of my inheritance, as you can probably tell,” Magnus said, pointing towards the more furnished parts of the room the two were seated in at the moment. It was true, when his father died unexpectedly, Magnus received his entire fortune before he could write it off to someone else. A lucky stroke of fate, if you will.

 

“Then why would you need to work or study anything anyway?” “Well, believe it or not, this kind of lifestyle gets pretty boring at times. I _want_ to work, I want to contribute something to society, even if I don’t need the money.” Alec nodded. He understood, he could relate – he also wanted to feel useful.

 

As Alec slowly began to grow more comfortable with the conversation and around Magnus, a realization dawned on him. It was like a sudden, but intense epiphany; he didn’t belong here. He should not be here, invading Magnus’ world, his life, his home. It wasn’t fair.

 

It was with the same suddenness that Alec’s urge to leave overtook his growing comfort.

 

“Thank you for listening Magnus, and thank you for letting me stay here over night, but I really need to get going now.” This time, Alec didn’t rush towards the door like before. He was trying to let Magnus think this was just a reasonable and responsible decision, and he should accept that. Unfortunately for Alec, Magnus seemed to see right through him.

 

“Where will you go? If you don’t mind me asking.” Alec stopped in his tracks. He stood with his back to Magnus, thankfully so, this way, Magnus couldn’t immediately see the lies and emotions written all over Alec’s face.

 

“Actually, I do mind.” Alec’s mind and body were fighting desperately – his body wanting him to leave, but his mind compelling him to stay just a little while longer.

 

“Alec, it’s fine – of course, you’re free to go whenever you feel like it, but you can stay here as long as you want to.” Alec couldn’t move, his internal struggle threatened to overtake his senses. Only when his legs didn’t move, but his mouth started talking without Alec really noticing what he was saying, was it certain that his mind had won this battle.

 

“I can’t accept that…” “Nonsense. I told you, I want to be your friend, and I think it would be good for you to have someone you can talk to. And I know you’re thinking that as well. Stay for a while at least, and then decide.”

 

Alec turned around to face Magnus again. He was faced with his notorious, warm smile that seemed to melt all of Alec’s worries away, and he knew that Magnus was sincere, that he meant what he said – it was written all over his face.

 

“Fine.”


	4. Wayward

Sometimes, and Magnus knew that, it was necessary to avoid certain conflicts – rather address them another time, when it was right, when it wouldn’t hurt as much, when there was trust.

 

Even getting Alec to stay, to talk, to open up, even if it wasn’t in the way Magnus hoped he would, took a lot out of the boy, and Magnus knew it. Either Alec was naïve or desperate. Judging from their conversation up till now, the latter seemed more likely. And who could blame him? From what Magnus gathered, this boy didn’t have anywhere or anyone to return to. He didn’t know what exactly happened, maybe he never would. But Magnus knew that he shouldn’t and couldn’t let Alec ever leave feeling this hurt or depressed.

 

It wasn’t like that because it was Alec, after all, Magnus barely knew him. It was because he was a lost soul that needed some – any – anchor in this world, or else he would slip away. Magnus knew that feeling all too well, therefor he was more than willing to be that anchor, if Alec let him be.

 

The two had been talking for hours, it almost felt like a date; unnatural, yet pleasant. But it wasn’t, it wasn’t a date, and there were no romantic feelings involved, at least none that either of them could tell of.

 

It was past noon when Magnus finally felt like Alec was relaxing, letting himself go a bit, and enjoying this strange moment. Good. Magnus was getting through, which was necessary for him to be able to help the boy.

 

“So…as I said, you’re welcome to stay. I don’t really use the room you were sleeping in otherwise.” Magnus words were genuine – risky, he knew that. This was a critical moment, would Alec accept or let go?

 

“You’re really not letting go on that one, are you?” Alec asked half joking, half earnest. Strange, but understandable – he was still trying to hide his true feelings and concerns, nothing for which Magnus could blame him.

 

“I don’t think so. Like I said, I won’t force you to stay, of course. But I really think it’d be for the best if you did – at least for the moment, don’t you think?” No answer, instead, a shifting gaze, avoiding Magnus. “I didn’t take anything with me. I didn’t even get my wallet…” Alec’s answer was truthful, and it solidified Magnus’ worries in a way – this boy had to get away so quickly, he didn’t even have the chance to take his basic belongings with him.

 

“Do you want to go back and get some stuff?” Magnus question implied that Alec would be staying here after all, and Alec didn’t seem to protest. “I don’t know if I can do that…Go back, I mean…” Ah – Magnus was getting through. Truthfully, it hurt, even hearing these words from a stranger, they still stung.

 

“I could come with you, if you want me to.” There was shock in Alec’s eyes. Apprehension – yet a need. Magnus understood that Alec couldn’t go on his own, maybe it’d even be dangerous. But he didn’t expect Magnus to offer to accompany him. This was the most care or concern anyone had shown Alec in so long, it made him tear up even thinking about it. This couldn’t be true, no one cared, no one should – Alec was so confused. “I can’t expect that from you.”

 

“Yet I’m offering anyway. It’s not a big deal, I’d rather see for myself that you’re safe.” Then there was silence again. Alec couldn’t speak, fearing that, with any more words, his tears would stream again. He avoided looking at Magnus, and he knew it. Magnus realized what was happening, and he let it – Alec was feeling uncomfortable, needing help, which was understandable. But still, it was a _need_ , not an option, really. If he had to, Magnus would take the lead, gladly so.

 

“You took me in from the streets just yesterday, you offered me to stay here, and now this – I don’t understand this. I don’t understand you! What are you getting out of this? Where’s the catch? Just tell me already!” There was rage in Alec’s voice, undoubtedly. Maybe to protect himself from further harm – definitely not because he actually was angry, in fact, Alec was far from that. He simply didn’t understand.

 

Magnus simply smirked at what Alec threw at him – he reminded him of himself years ago. “It was just an offer, Alec. If you are so eager to go on your own, I won’t stop you. Not all people are bad, or out to hurt you.”

 

A sigh, resignation, maybe a bit of acceptance. “I’m dreaming, aren’t I? Or dead…” Magnus chuckled. “No, although I _am_ very dreamy…sorry, I had to.” No reaction out of Alec. Tough crowd.

 

“Alright…fine. Then let’s go, let’s get this over with.” Alec really had given in – after all, he didn’t have much to lose.

 

Still, there was so much going on in his head. What would happen when he got back to his home? Well – it wasn’t his home anymore. Now, it was a place he dreaded, where he never wanted to return to. And he thought he never would, but now Magnus made him, he’d even be there with him. A strange prospect, nothing Alec had planned or hoped for. Not that he was complaining, at least not at the moment, not anymore.

 

This whole situation had gotten way out of hand way too quickly, hadn’t it? Alec had never felt so reckless – somehow carefree. It was relieving, vitalizing, exciting even. Unexpected as well – then again, nothing that had happened since yesterday really was expected.

 

As Magnus and Alec left the apartment, Alec wrapped up in more of Magnus’ clothes, which he burrowed for now, all care seemed to have left the younger one. Mixed with this strange apathy, was another sensation. A slow heat, crawling underneath his skin, heating up to a burning sensation in certain places – places in which Alec had harmed himself before. Also in places others had harmed him.

 

As the two closed in on the Lightwood residence, sitting in Magnus’ own car, the sensation, all the feelings inside of Alec – they seemed so overwhelming, they threatened to overtake him.

 

The last thing Alec remembered before he left the car was Magnus hand on his shoulder, squeezing in what felt like an encouraging way.

 

In that spot, the burning underneath Alec’s skin was replaced by the same warmth that radiated through all of Magnus’ being.


	5. Return

Luck was rarely on Alec’s side. He wondered if this was one of those rare moments, or if it would fall in place with the rest of his life.

 

As he and Magnus stood before the doors of the house he once called his home, Alec felt his trembling heart, pushing the blood through his veins unsteadily, and in a rush that couldn’t be healthy. The only thing keeping him from running again was the presence beside him – closer than he needed to be, but very much appreciated.

 

As the door opened in response to Alec’s reluctant knocks, he felt nothing but relief at the sight of his younger sister. Seems like this was just one of his lucky days. For now.

 

Before Alec could speak, he was pulled into a bone-crushing hug, filled with tears and sincere apologies.

 

“Alec where were you? I was worried sick!” Alec noted how Isabelle said ‘I’ and not ‘we’. He had already assumed that his parents weren’t worried about his whereabouts anymore, but it still stung.

 

Trying to avoid any chance of said parents to walk in on the scene, Alec quickly looked around and stepped inside after making sure that no one else was around.

 

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t text you...didn’t have the chance to pick up my phone. I’m just here to pick some stuff up Izzy. Are mom or dad home?”

 

There was a sad crack in the façade of Isabelle’s face – Alec didn’t know if she seriously expected him to simply return and forget everything that’d happened before. She couldn’t possibly…still, this probably hurt her just as much. “They’re out at the moment…”

 

Only then did Izzy seem to realize they weren’t alone. Eyeing Magnus skeptically, she positioned herself between him and Alec instinctively. “Who’re you?”

 

Alec quickly turned around as Magnus answered. “I’m a…uh, friend.” Izzy didn’t buy it for a second. She’d never seen Magnus, if he was one of Alec’s few friends, she’d know about him. Though she had to admit, if he came here with Alec, there must’ve been a good reason behind it. Alec was responsible enough to not trust some random shady person, and Izzy – in turn – had enough trust in her brother to not jump at Magnus and attack him. Admittedly, Magnus was a stranger, to Izzy and – really – to Alec as well, but Izzy hadn’t experienced Magnus personality.

 

Ignoring the tension that began to circulate through the air in the room, Alec made his way up the stairs. Quickly grabbing a bag and barging through his old door, which had more than one dent from punches Alec had thrown against it, the boy started to grab his essential belongings. Magnus and Izzy followed hurriedly, the latter keeping a close eye on the former, looking for any suspicious movements or indications.

 

“What are you doing Alec?” Izzy questioned as she came to a stop in the doorframe, witnessing her brother’s erratic behavior.

“You don’t expect me to stay Izzy, do you?” Alec wasn’t angry – not at his sister at least, not really. He didn’t expect her to throw her life away alongside his own, she couldn’t have defended Alec even if she tried to. Alec wasn’t necessarily happy with her actions, but he understood and accepted them nonetheless.

 

Izzy, in turn, was worried, still. Mixed with confusion and a slowly dawning suspicion. “Where will you go?” It was more of a farce to confirm her suspicion.

 

“He’s staying with me for now,” was all that Magnus said as he observed Alec, who didn’t stop packing clothes in his bag.

 

Isabelle was alternating between looking at her brother, and the man behind her in shock. “You don’t even know this man! And don’t even try to deny it!” Strange – since when has Izzy become the voice of reason?

 

“What’s the worst that could happen?” Alec tried to shield the concerns he shared with his sister through his sarcastic tone. Though his question also held a lot of truth.

 

“He could be a murderer, for starters!” Point for Izzy. Then again, nothing Alec hadn’t thought about before. “I won’t hurt Alec, and if he didn’t trust me on some level, he wouldn’t have brought me with him,” Magnus argued back. Point for him.

 

This discussion was pointless, really. Alec chose to trust Magnus – of course he couldn’t be _sure_ about his intentions. No matter, if Magnus really was in some way, shape, or form dangerous, it’d still have been Alec’s free choice to have trusted him. His sister couldn’t impact this decision. Also…

 

“I really don’t have much left to lose Izzy.” Alec’s words hung heavy around all three of them as he finished packing and threw his bag over his shoulder, turning towards his sister. All Magnus could do was witness, all Izzy could do was swallow thickly as she quietly tried to argue back. “That’s not true…”

 

“Oh really? Tell me, what’s left for me? My parents disowned me, they threw me out for being honest with them! I’ve been hurt so badly, you can’t even start to fucking imagine it – not only emotionally! The only fucking person left in the world that remotely cares about me is you Izzy, and to be honest, you’d be of much better if you didn’t have to fucking worry about me anymore as well.”

 

Alec snapped. He knew his sister didn’t deserve being yelled at like this, she must’ve felt bad enough already – and Alec, in some way, even tried to stop her from hurting with his speech – but he really had enough. And he wasn’t even finished yet.

 

“If Magnus was really out to hurt me, or rape me, or murder me – it really wouldn’t matter anymore, Izzy.” Point for Alec – kind of.

 

Izzy had tears streaming down her face, simply because she couldn’t argue with Alec. Deep down, she knew that he had a point, and that was more frightening than anything else for her. Magnus was staring at Alec with his mouth hanging open, searching for soothing words to somehow conciliate the siblings. But he came up with nothing, at least not at the moment. Though he was somehow hurt that Alec would even think he’d be capable of somehow violating him, even after he took him in from the streets and offered him a roof and place to stay – Magnus could certainly understand where he was coming from, sadly.

 

As Alec darted towards the stairs again, pushing through Izzy and somehow urging Magnus to follow him with his gaze alone, luck decided it would be a splendid moment to run out.

 

First there was a key being turned in a lock. Then a door, opening. Then - as Alec descended the stairs, Magnus and Isabelle following closely, the latter rambling out apologies and pleas to reconsider actions taken – there were the emotions.

 

As Maryse and Robert Lightwood entered their house through the front door, laying their eyes on their eldest child, everything came crashing back over Alec. The deathly silence filled with searing gazes, flexed jaws and muscles, pain, hurt, sadness, hate. No one could have staged such a tense moment, even if they tried.

 

Screams cut through everything as darkness engulfed Alec once more. Everything else was simply a blur of motions.


	6. Escape

Everything happened so fast. Alec felt pain – not exactly new. Then there was rage – also not new. But there were also strange, other feelings mixed in. They weren’t exactly foreign, they’d just become unfamiliar. How strange, and oddly sad – poetic almost.

 

The first thing Magnus remembered was the faces of pure fury. No parent should ever look at their child that way, but there they were. Maryse and Robert Lightwood showing the world exactly what not to do.

 

After the first shock had settled and was slowly fading away, the yelling and screaming began. First it was Robert, telling Alec to ‘get the fuck out’. Then it was Alec, telling his parents that he’d be leaving and that they’d never have to see them again. His sister joined in, commanding her parents to overthink what they were doing, but her words had no impact. Maryse, surprisingly, didn’t say anything at all. Then again, her disgusted expression said more than a thousand hurting words ever could.

 

Next came the violence. Ah – the language of the ignorant, so fitting. Robert, making his way towards his son, his own flesh and blood, shoving his daughter aside and raising his fist. As he collided with Alec, the boy seemed so depressingly familiar with the impact.

 

He didn’t fight back. Maybe, in the past, he would have – but Magnus knew, and Izzy suspected, Alec had lost all will and power to defend himself.

 

Knowing this, Magnus stepped in. Of course, he had been ignored till now – the Lightwood parents were occupied with pouring all of their hate towards Alec, everything else didn’t seem to matter.

 

Luckily, Magnus was smart enough not to get involved in a fight, under the roof of his attacker, of all places. Though he had it in him, the will and built-up righteous anger to defend Alec, even with force, if need be. But his mind knew better than to let this anger overtake him. Instead he pulled Alec away, unfortunately not soon enough to prevent all damage. The boy seemed so distant and apathetic again, reverting right back to the husk Magnus had worked all day on filling with life again.

 

As Magnus ushered him outside quickly, shielding him from the parents, who were supposed to love and protect him, he finally grasped at the severeness and utter despair of the situation the boy had found himself in. It was familiar, yet uncharted – not entirely new, unfortunately.

 

All Magnus could do to comfort Isabelle, whose tears began staining her youthful face, was offer her the earnest and well-meant promise that her brother would be well taken care of. For now, he needed her to be strong, and he knew that she could be – she would be. If not, if it needed to happen, they could get her too. But for now, she didn’t make any effort to follow Magnus and Alec. Whether she didn’t because she didn’t have it in her, or because she knew better than to also defy her parents – Magnus did not know.

 

Magnus practically threw Alec, his baggage included, into his car. Robert made an effort to follow them, but Magnus could pull away quickly enough. Leaving the angry bull behind, he released his own built-up tension through a punch to his steering wheel.

 

There still was no reaction from Alec. He was staring at the road ahead – he didn’t speak, he didn’t even move. His eyes were glassy, but not filled with tears – they seemed like the light had already left them. Down his cheek, where the rim of Robert’s wedding ring had left a cut, rolled a drop of blood in the path that a tear rolling down Alec’s eye would’ve usually taken.

 

Only when Magnus tried to wipe away the crimson drop did Alec turn away. He curled up into himself, mimicking his inner workings. He was turned away from Magnus and his eyes were closed – Alec was willing the light out of his life.

 

Like that, in heavy silence, they drove all the way back to Magnus’ apartment. For some, these moments might’ve looked and felt serene – to Magnus they were heartbreaking.

 

Alec still didn’t speak, and Magnus knew better than to push him. He also knew that he might just be the only person left in the world, Isabelle aside, that somehow cared about Alec. In a way, Magnus felt oddly accomplished and glad he could be there for Alec. Then again, the circumstances of their situation hung heavy around both men.

 

“Do you want something to eat?” Magnus question was hesitant – he was trying his hardest to somehow lull Alec into a sense of normality and comfort. Clearly, he was failing at the moment, because Alec still didn’t react.

 

Making his way over to the couch where Alec had settled down slowly, Magnus sighed. “Alec, if you want to talk about-“ “May I take a shower?”

 

Of course he would avoid the talking-part for now. Magnus understood, he truly did, and he wanted to let Alec have his peace – if you could call it that – for now. Though he still was somehow unnerved by the emotionless and overly polite way in which Alec communicated his request.

 

“Of course. There’s a bathroom attached to the room you stayed in last night.” Without looking at Magnus, Alec stood up, taking his bag with him. “Thank you.”

 

And just like that he was out of Magnus’ sight. He somehow felt…lonely. Lost. Like he could’ve done more, when – deep down – he knew perfectly well, he truly couldn’t have.

 

Magnus decided to give Alec the space he required for now. He deemed it important in his processing of the most recent events.

 

Though Magnus knew it wasn’t the best time for it, he needed someone with him right now. Not necessarily for the emotional comfort, but because – well, somehow his body urged him not to be alone…in a way that Alec couldn’t provide.

 

As he called the familiar number, Magnus knew that his needs would soon be fulfilled.


	7. Disgust

As Alec stepped into the bathroom, his emotions came crashing down on him. He started crying again, making up for the unshed tears from before. As he sunk down onto the floor, gripping his legs and burying his head between them, his whole body started trembling. He just hoped Magnus wouldn’t notice any of this – for now, Alec just wanted to be left alone.

 

It took a while before he could calm down. The images of the previous evening and the encounter with his parents were all he could think of.

 

Sighing, Alec surrendered to the sadness for now and turned on the shower. While hot steam was filling the room, he quickly undressed himself.

 

Alec had learned to despise his own body. Whenever he had to look at the scars on his arms, he was reminded of his own weakness – though he wasn’t quite sure if he felt weak because he could never finish the deed or because he had let it come this far.

 

Trying not to get lost in his mind again, Alec stepped into the shower and let the hot water wash away the dirt and filth he felt on his skin.

 

As he stood, unmoving, for a while, Alec let his thoughts wander freely. The first thing he could settle on was Magnus. He’d been in his thoughts a lot – of course. To Alec, Magnus was an extraordinary individual. Not only had he taken him in, and provided him with a safe place to stay without even knowing him, he also took it upon himself to accompany Alec when he retrieved his few belongings, and he shielded him from Maryse and Robert. Alec still wasn’t sure _why_ Magnus cared about him – but for now, he wasn’t complaining about it.

 

And so, without even knowing it, Magnus had planted hope in Alec’s heart again. A fragile seed, nursed by Magnus’ concern and care – still, it was frail, and it would take time for Alec to realize that he still had a chance in this world.

 

Unfortunately, Alec’s mind was unsteady and restless. Before Alec could stop it, it had wandered off to some dark places again. Touching his cheek lightly, Alec could feel the bruise his own father had left him with – and for that, it stung even more than it already did.

 

Tears threatened to roll down his face again. Alec hated that he wasn’t in control of his emotions at all time. It made him feel so weak.

 

Usually, these were the moments in which he’d resort to hurting himself. He’d cut his arms, willing the pain in his heart away, by overpowering it. Alec knew it was wrong to feel this way, but he was longing for the distraction the wounds he inflicted on himself would bring.

 

However, Alec did not have anything with him that could serve the purpose at the moment. No razor blade, no knife, nothing – he’d need to remind himself to acquire any of those tools later.

 

Still, he was desperate to take his mind of all the hurt. Alec reminded himself that there was another way to, at least momentarily, take his thoughts elsewhere.

 

He leaned one arm against the wall in front of him, supporting himself on it. The other one traveled down his front slowly, racing the water droplets. Sighing sadly, Alec took hold of his cock.

 

It was a rare occasion for him to pleasure himself – but the movements felt as if they were programmed into his brain. It was an automatic process, and because of that, it helped take his mind off of anything else.

 

Alec closed his eyes, trying to focus on the black nothingness that he saw. As his breathing became faster, so did his stroking. For now it was working – Alec’s mind focused on the pleasurable feeling, forgetting everything else for the moment.

 

His movements were unpracticed and erratic. They would do the job eventually, but Alec never felt the great relief or pleasure he thought he should. He had wondered if that was because he was doing it himself.

 

As Alec’s could feel his climax building, something strange happened. Usually, when he was pleasuring himself, he’d see and think of nothing. It was just him and the warm feeling in his gut. But now – right before he came – Alec could see something flash before his inner eye.

 

It was a face. Blurry, rough around the edges, almost unrecognizable – almost. Slowly, the lines on it became clearer. Its features sharpened. Some details were missing, but it was undeniable who this face belonged to.

 

Before he knew it, and before he could stop it, Alec came with the image of his savior, the face of Magnus, in mind. His breath stuttered, and his knees felt like they were about to give out.

 

Alec felt disgusting. He had fought his attraction towards men for as long as he could remember. It had caused him so much pain, and it was ultimately what lead to his grand exit from his home.

 

Being gay was not something Maryse and Robert approved of, they made that more than clear when they threw their eldest son out for admitting to it.

 

Quite sobs started escaping Alec, he felt more dirty now than when he entered the shower. He didn’t know why he thought of Magnus in this moment, and in all honest, he didn’t want to know. There was no excuse for something like this, and no matter what had caused this strange image to flash before Alec, he promised himself to bury it in the depths of his mind forever.

 

Alec dried himself off, feeling exhausted, dirty, and appalling. He changed into some more comfortable clothes and quickly retrieved his phone from the bag he had packed before, letting Izzy know that he was alright for now, and at Magnus’ place.

 

Not waiting for an answer, Alec threw himself on the bed he had slept in the night before. He didn’t even bother to let Magnus know that he’d be going to bed. He didn’t want to see him again right now – he couldn’t.

 

Images of all that had happened, his parents, his sister, and, unfortunately, Magnus, filling his mind, Alec drifted off into a restless slumber, filled with nightmares and darkness.


	8. Drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry

Alec woke up feeling barely rested. His memories were taking their toll, even now, and it was so exhausting. Not only did he feel left and hurt, now, an entirely new sensation was mixed in with his messy emotions – guilt. It didn’t seem fair, why would he have to deal with this as well?

 

He hadn’t forgotten what he did yesterday – although, looking back at it, he wished he had. Alec took a mental note, not to relieve himself in this way again. He couldn’t be sure to keep his emotions under control.

 

Debating whether or not he should get up or try to get a little more sleep, Alec took a look at his phone. It was almost noon, and it should’ve been bright outside, but dark clouds were covering the sky again, wrapping the city in a perpetual night. Alec couldn’t help but let a short sigh escape, seeing as even the weather reflected his mood.

 

Not caring for his appearance, Alec left his room, feeling a little hungry and definitely in need of some coffee.

 

What Alec wasn’t expecting was the chuckling of several voices, coming from the small kitchen space. He furrowed his brows, trying to make out if the voices were saying anything, but it just sounded like incoherent noise and laughter. Shrugging, Alec made his way over – he must’ve left all care for social skills with his family at home.

 

As he entered the kitchen, Alec was met with an image he didn’t want to see, and certainly couldn’t delete from his memory any time soon. Magnus was sitting on one of the chairs, a blonde girl sitting in his lap. Both of them were in their underwear, the girl was pressing kisses all over Magnus’ neck and face.

 

Alec couldn’t do anything – he couldn’t speak up, he couldn’t turn away, he couldn’t even take his eyes off of them. He just stood there, his mouth hanging open and his eyes widened.

 

Alec didn’t even know what he was feeling anymore. Images of the last evening flashed before him again. Did he feel betrayed? Why would he? Maybe jealous? He had no right to be so. Still, an unfamiliar sting shot through his chest and he didn’t know why – which made it all the worse.

 

He didn’t know how long he was standing there, but eventually, the girl opened her eyes and immediately caught sight of Alec. She shrieked, falling off of Magnus – who turned around as well – and started cursing loudly.

 

Alec blushed – a feature he hated about himself, but couldn’t get rid of, of course. He didn’t even realize what the two were saying. He could see Magnus helping the girl up and then coming towards him, wearing a shocked, maybe embarrassed gesture, but Alec backed away quickly mumbling something along the lines of ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt anything.’

 

Before he knew it, Alec was back in his room, sliding down to the ground. He could make out some of the things the couple outside was saying – he thought he heard Magnus call the girl Camille, he apologized, the girl seemed to yell a little but calm down soon after.

 

As soon as Alec was sure neither of the two would follow him, he buried his face between his knees. Involuntarily, a tear escaped him. But why? He still couldn’t place this feeling, it was so strange.

 

Willing his own body to calm down, Alec stood up again, his knees wobbly but steady enough for him to walk. It was then that he could feel another familiar sensation creep up his body.

 

It was the tingle under his skin that came with all the hurt and sadness, maybe also with this new sensation. The urgent itch that needed to be scratched.

 

Alec’s breathing became shallow – he didn’t have anything with him to ease the feeling. He literally started scratching his arms, hoping for some form of relief, but it simply wasn’t enough. Alec quickly grabbed the bag he had brought and emptied it, searching for anything, _anything_ he could use.

 

But even as all of the belongings he had brought with him were scattered on the floor, Alec still couldn’t find anything. He was beginning to panic and scratched his arms more intensely with each passing second.

 

That’s when his eyes caught onto something on the bag itself. The zipper on it had some rough edges. It wasn’t ideal, but it’d have to do for now.

 

His breathing quick, Alec grabbed the bag and ran to the bathroom attached to his room.

 

Not willing to wait any longer, he held the bag in an angle that would work, and dragged it over his skin roughly.

 

This wasn’t the usual sensation. It wasn’t a clean cut – this was messy and uncontrolled. The edges of the zipper dug into Alec’s flesh, ripping his skin, shredding it. This would leave a scar – a deep and messy one.

 

As Alec continued to drag the bag over his skin, he could start to feel the familiar, crimson liquid pour out of his arms. Thick droplets of blood were rolling down Alec’s arms. As they fell to the floor, the scent of copper filled the room. Alec’s pale arms were painted red, a gruesome image of despair.

 

As Alec let the blood run, he could feel the itching sensation slowly being drowned out by the pain that overcame him. It didn’t feel right to rely on such methods for relief – but in this very moment, it felt so good.

 

A sigh escaped Alec as he lowered himself over the sink, letting the blood run down the drain. He didn’t know how long he’d been standing like this, studying the droplets form and roll down, before he finally let cold water rinse over his arms, washing away the crimson tide. It stung as the stream touched his wounds, but by now, Alec was familiar with the feeling. It was part of the whole experience.

 

After a few minutes, when Alec was sure the bleeding had stopped, he pulled back, slowly drying off his arms. He looked at himself in the mirror, unsure of what to feel. In a way, he was disgusted by the face that looked back at him, so he decided to do what he did best. Pull away, turn around, and pretend like everything was fine.

 

As Alec left his room once more, he wondered if he was ready to face what was on the other side of his door – if he ever would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told ya


	9. Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, but I warned you, these updates might take a while...anyways, I hope this chapter was worth the wait and I promise, the next one won't take as long!

The living space seemed empty. No sign of Magnus or the girl – Camille was it? Alec felt like he was lost in the huge room, like he didn’t belong, never would. How oddly familiar.

 

He sat in the kitchen and searched the cupboards for a mug. All of the utensils and furniture screamed ‘normal,’ but that was farthest from the things Alec felt being here. He shouldn’t – he couldn’t. So he didn’t.

When he finally found what he was looking for, Alec poured himself a cup of coffee from the pot that was standing on the table. It was cold, icy, and it made the brew taste dull. As it ran down Alec’s throat he didn’t feel the cold anymore. It was like his body was frozen all along.

 

Suddenly, the sound of a door opening cut through the tense air, like lightning splitting a tree. Magnus had entered the room through the apartment’s entrance, a brown bag in his hand. He looked at Alec – so many emotions and expressions running over his face, it was almost overwhelming to look at.

 

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted after a while. Alec hadn’t even noticed they were staring at each other until now. “I uhm…I brought lunch,” he continued, pointing at the bag in his hand. Alec just nodded, not moving at all. He stood, frozen in place, like the blood in his veins had finally frozen, like his heart.

 

“Look, I’m sorry if…” Magnus began but was swiftly interrupted by Alec. “No. You don’t have to be. I’m sorry for…interrupting you this morning. I didn’t know you had…” Alec swallowed – why did his next word hurt so much? “…company.”

 

“Well…you couldn’t have known. So it’s fine,” Magnus offered with a weak smile. Why did he seem so guilty? Why did he seem to be so uncomfortable? Strange.

 

Alec nodded again, unable to reply any other way. He watched as Magnus put down the paper bag and pulled out two cartons, each filled with some sort of noodle dish. Alec quietly sat down and gratefully accepted the fork Magnus offered him. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was – until now. It took almost no time at all for Alec to finish his food.

 

“Thanks,” he muttered, but avoided Magnus gaze – missing the tiny spark of accomplishment in his eyes. “Of course. You don’t have to thank me for food – I told you, money is not really an issue for me.” It sounded like Magnus wanted to escape the topic that clearly hung heavily between him and Alec. And, if only just for a moment, Alec would let him. “Still, you don’t have to do any of this…you’ve already let me stay here, you went with me to my home, and I’ve done nothing to repay you…”

 

“Alec, please,” Magnus interrupted. He soothingly put his hand on Alec’s arm, sending an electric current through the younger male. The warmth of the touch immediately seemed to thaw Alec’s icy blood and let him relax. “I told you, I’m glad I can help you. I _want_ to. So please don’t feel obliged to repay me. You being well is repayment enough.”

 

Why did Magnus – this stranger – care so much? It seemed naïve, foolish even. At the kind words, Alec felt bad for hurting himself earlier…all Magnus wanted from him, was for him to be well – and he just wasn’t. Didn’t he deserve at least that much?

 

Silence settled again, this time less pressing. Still, Alec had more questions, and he hated himself for needing to ask them, yet he had to.

 

“Who-“ He almost stopped himself – almost. With a sigh and a voice, more unsteady than he intended it to be, Alec continued. “Who was the girl you were with this morning?”

 

Magnus gulped and pressed his lips together in a thin line, alarming Alec. Maybe this was impolite, maybe he had stepped out of line. He quickly tried to save the situation. “If you don’t mind me asking…”

 

“No, no it’s fine. She’s uhm…well-“ Alec didn’t know if it was discomfort or a real lack of words to explain the situation, but Magnus seemed so lost. It took him a while before he could continue. “She’s my uh…girlfriend.”

 

A stinging pain shot through Alec’s chest. A clenching ache formed in his heart – and he knew, he might never be able to fix this wound.

But then again, why did Magnus seem so lost when talking about her? Aren’t you supposed to love and cherish a person you’re in a relationship with? Of course, Alec couldn’t know – not even his parents loved him anymore. Still, the fact that Magnus was so hesitant seemed – somehow – wrong.

 

“Isn’t she living here with you?” The words left Alec’s mouth before he could stop himself. He knew he was being extremely rude, but his curiosity got the better of him. Magnus looked down at the table and frowned.

“No she’s not. It’s…” he sighed and stopped for a moment. “…it’s complicated.”

 

“Right. Sorry, I shouldn’t intrude your privacy more than I already have,” Alec excused himself and went to get up from the kitchen table. Suddenly, the tension between him and Magnus seemed to be back, stronger than ever before, and he couldn’t stand it – not now, not when he was this unstable. He felt bad for being intrusive, he felt bad for caring so much. All of this was becoming just way too much to handle.

 

“I think I’ll take a nap…if something’s up just wake me,” he continued without looking back at Magnus. Alec made his way back to the room he’d been provided with and threw himself onto the bed, wrapping the blanket around his cold body and drifting off into sleep.

 

Magnus was left in the kitchen. He watched as Alec left, and somehow, he felt like the boy was even more broken than before. But what else should he have said? Magnus couldn’t have lied to him either – not that the situation he was caught in this morning left much room for misinterpretation.

 

With a sad expression Magnus got up as well. He went to his bedroom and put on his headphones, hoping his music would take him away from this situation for at least a while.


	10. Demand

Over the following days, what seemed like patterns and rituals emerged in Magnus’ and Alec’s lives. Born out of their close proximity, Alec’s iron willingness to help where he could, and Magnus’ want to make Alec feel better.

Magnus had made it a habit to make some tea or coffee in the afternoon and just talk to Alec, hoping the regular interaction would ease his mind.

Alec had started preparing breakfast every morning. Not only did it help him by occupying and distracting him from his self-destructive urges, he most prominently felt in the mornings, it finally made him feel useful in some way.

 

Magnus was grateful, not only for Alec’s help, but also for him trying to get better. He understood that there were still things Alec would have to resolve, but he hoped he could help him through that.

 

What Magnus unfortunately was unaware of, was Alec’s declining mental state. After he had cut himself the first time at Magnus’ place, Alec resolved that he wouldn’t do so again – if only to comfort Magnus. But his will was growing weaker and weaker with each passing day, and there was nothing stopping this process.

 

Things took a turn from bad to worse on one particularly cold morning. Alec was at the stove, as usual, getting breakfast ready. He hummed softly to himself, knowing that Magnus wouldn’t be up yet and he’d have some time to himself.

 

But someone else was.

 

Alec shivered when he felt a presence in the room – and it wasn’t Magnus’ warm, kind, and full of life presence, this was something ice-cold, deathly. When he turned around, Alec faced Camille. He didn’t know she’d stayed the night, he didn’t want to think about it either. Yet here she was, nothing but hatred and disgust showing on her pale face.

 

“Uhm…morning,” Alec mumbled, not trusting his voice to mutter any more words. Camille didn’t respond. She just looked Alec over once before taking a step towards him. Instinctively, Alec backed up until his back hit the kitchen counter and he had nowhere else to go to. Still, Camille was closing the small space, wearing a dangerous frown. She only stopped when she was just a few inches away from Alec.

 

He could smell the strong odor of her flowery perfume. It was assaulting his nose. Her ice-cold eyes held no light, no warmth.

 

Alec clenched his jaw and gulped, his knees ready to give out at any moment, but he willed them not to – at least not yet.

 

“I don’t know what he sees in you,” Camille spat – almost literally. Alec immediately knew who she meant by ‘he,’ and it sent a sting through his chest, as if he was hit by an arrow.

“I…” Alec tried, but his voice trailed off. Even if it didn’t, Camille wouldn’t have cared.

“He lets you disgusting little piece of meat stay in his home. You’re nothing but a stranger, a child, a needy little brat! Yet he lets you stay like you own this place, while he sends me home.”

 

Every single word out of Camille’s mouth was filled with poison, every sentence she uttered cut Alec’s bruised soul. He didn’t know how long he could contain his composure, or how long he could keep the tears from falling.

 

Alec wanted to protest, tell her that she was wrong, tell her that he didn’t chose this, tell her that it wasn’t his decision that Magnus wouldn’t let her stay. But Camille’s presence was like an ominous weight, crushing his lungs, making him unable to respond or even breathe properly. Alec was helpless, he felt like he was sitting alone in the dark alley again, rain pouring over him. He could do nothing but wait for this to be over.

 

“You will leave.” Camille’s words shattered the fragile air and burned themselves into Alec’s heart like a permanent scar.

She wasn’t asking, she wasn’t trying to convince him, she was demanding.

 

“You will leave and never come back here. You will leave and forget all about what happened here, do you understand me? You have one week.”

 

This was a threat. Alec knew it was. He didn’t know what would happen if he wouldn’t comply, but he knew he wouldn’t like it. He didn’t know if it was paranoia or the tiny rest of his survival-instinct that let him know he could do nothing but do as Camille demanded.

 

Alec knew that Camille was neither an affectionate, nor a loving person – he gathered that much from meeting her a handful of times. But this? Alec felt sick, thinking about the fact that Magnus was willingly staying with her. How could she fool him so easily?

 

Alec was ripped out of his reverie, when Magnus emerged from his own bedroom, wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants. He made his way over to the kitchen, wrapping an arm around Camille’s waist.

Alec hated that his body wanted to react to the image of Magnus in front of him – and he hated the fact that Camille was the center of Magnus’ affection even more.

 

“What’s going on here? Why’re you up already?” Magnus’ still sleepy voice slurred, looking at Camille. She switched from the cold expression she wore mere moments ago to a fake-smile in the matter of seconds.

“I smelled something cooking, and I went to see what that was about,” she simply replied, placing a kiss on Magnus’ lips, as if to provoke Alec.

“But unfortunately, it seems like your friend has just burned our breakfast,” she added with a pout.

 

Only then did Alec realize he had left the pan he was frying bacon in unattended for too long, and the meat had been reduced to coal. He frowned at the burnt smell, and then looked at Magnus apologetically.

 

Magnus on the other hand, didn’t seem bothered at all, but rather content while in the presence of Camille.

While Alec cleaned up the mess, voluntarily, of course, Camille kept glaring at him, whenever Magnus wasn’t watching. Alec knew, she meant what she said, and for the first time in a long while, he was scared.


	11. Retreat

Time flows, like a steady stream towards the sea, and gets lost in its sheer vastness. It can’t be stopped, it can’t be slowed.

All Alec feels is his time running out. The calm waves that lulled him into a feeling of safety when he was around Magnus, this strange new sensation he had longed for for so long – it all seems to crash and burn with Camille. She stirred the water, ripples threaten to overtake and swallow Alec forever, with no way to return to the surface.

 

Maybe…maybe Camille had a point. Maybe Alec didn’t belong where he was right now. Maybe he should have never accepted Magnus’ offer and stayed with him.

As doubt consumed Alec’s mind, his world seemed to crumble and burn till only ash was left. This was a whole new level of despair – first he was lulled into safety, now he was broken, more so than ever before. To have hope take root, only to watch it torn to shreds is what kills people. And that was what Alec felt right now. Like he was being tortured and killed with slow, excruciating precision.

 

Alec wasn’t sure if Magnus noticed the change in his demeanor. It had been four days since Camille set her ultimatum, and he was feeling miserable. Once or twice, Magnus asked if everything was alright. He looked concerned, but then again, he always did. This wasn’t exactly new.

Alec would constantly tell him that everything was alright, that he shouldn’t worry more than he already was. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Magnus what was really happening, how he really felt. Strangely, it felt like he’d be taking advantage of Magnus’ good heart. It just didn’t seem fair.

 

Every night, Alec had been lying awake for hours, his mind drifting off, searching for solutions to his problems but finding none. Every night, Alec would end up with tears in his eyes. Every morning, when Magnus asked what was wrong, Alec would deny that there was anything he’d want to talk about.

Finally, on the fifth morning, the rest of what Alec deemed his functioning brain, decided to finally snap and give in. It was no decision he’d been working up to, nothing he had planned – it was a sudden burst of need to act. And so he did.

 

Alec waited until Magnus had left for at least a while. He wouldn’t tell him where he would go when Alec tried to estimate how much time he had. He simply hoped it would be enough. Somehow, Magnus seemed different as well – maybe he did notice the changes, maybe he was tired of them, maybe he just wanted to be left alone.

It was a gloomy day, the wind had been howling, but Alec could manage – he had to.

Slowly, but with precision, he collected the few belongings he had brought. Clutching his phone, Alec debated whether or not to call Izzy. He wouldn’t even know what for – would he want advice? Would he want her to know what had happened? No – she didn’t deserve to be even more concerned than she already was. Alec wanted her to never be concerned for him ever again.

 

With a melancholy he didn’t expect, Alec continued to throw his belongings in his bag. He didn’t know why exactly he felt the need to take all of them away as well. Maybe he decided to do so unintentionally to try and soothe any sadness or pain he might cause Magnus through his sudden departure.

Realistically, Alec sensed that he wouldn’t need all of his belongings anymore. But it still felt right to take them.

 

He debated whether he should leave a message for Magnus – if only to tell him that he hadn’t stolen anything, and that he was still grateful for the time they could spend together. In the end, he decided against it. If Alec wasn’t about to leave any hints through his belongings, he certainly wouldn’t need to leave a message either – at least that’s what he told himself over and over again, until he believed the words to be true.

 

With a last look over his shoulder, Alec took off. As soon as he stepped outside of the apartment, his feet wouldn’t stop at any cost, fearing a change of mind if they did so. He walked on and on, until he found himself in unfamiliar streets, overrun by people with unfamiliar faces. Alec tried to blend in, tried not to attract any kind of attention. He was just tired, so tired of everything. He wanted to lie down and never get up on his feet again. He wanted to succumb to the nothingness – body and soul.

 

Alec didn’t realize he was standing on a bridge at first. It took him a few moments before he realized he was overlooking the water beneath him, many feet underneath his position. A ship sent waves across the surface and to shore where they broke and shattered on stones and rock formations.

 

As he stood and witnessed the flow of the water, Alec reflected on his choices and decisions.

 

He had left his family – his parents who didn’t love him anymore, and his sister who loved him more than anyone else. He broke their hearts.

He had left Magnus – maybe the only friend Alec had left, maybe the only sense of security and safety that shielded him from the dark grasp of reality.

Alec had left everything he had hoped and cared for behind. And now, there he was, standing atop this river.

 

A tear rolled down his face. It seemed so insignificant. Alec had cried endlessly, to the point of absurdity. This instance wouldn’t change that fact anymore. But with this tear, Alec let go of everything. He let his emotions course through his veins, extinguishing the last bit of hope and light he carried. It was over. It would be done. The final act.

 

Alec grabbed onto the handrail, tears now streaming freely down his face, falling down, and merging with the water below.

 

‘It will only take one step.’


	12. Fight

Magnus felt lost, confused, incomplete. It started…well, it first started when he took in Alec. The boy took a place in Magnus’ heart, occupied it, made himself at home in it. Over the time the two spent together, Alec became something special, something new, something that Magnus didn’t quite know how to place. Until recently.

 

It wasn’t until Alec withdrew and started to build his walls up again that Magnus realized this. It wasn’t until Magnus suddenly felt a whole new sort of incompletion, tearing at his mind and body.

 

The last few days, Alec had become a stranger once more, retreating from Magnus, clawing his way out of his life again. It was when Magnus’ heart started to ache in a way he had long forgotten that he realized what was happening.

 

It took Magnus even more time to finally admit to himself that things needed to change, and longer yet to do something about it. Now though, now, he was on his way to do just that – change something and repair his own heart.

 

The first thing that would need to change, the first battle Magnus would have to win was with Camille.

She had been with him for a long while. Things had been good, but for longer now, Magnus felt like they weren’t anymore. He didn’t know whether she felt the same change and just ignored it. Or maybe she never felt the same way he did in the first place – a horrifying concept.

 

“We need to talk,” Magnus announced in a cold, almost emotionless way as Camille opened the door to her flat. She eyed him suspiciously – Magnus wasn’t sure if she knew why he was here, but the glimmer in her eyes suggested that she knew _something_.

 

“You’re breaking up with me,” she replied, tone almost as cold as Magnus’ but in a different way. She didn’t look surprised, she barely looked like she cared. Had she known that this was coming, maybe even before Magnus did? The sheer lack of warmth Camille conveyed sent uncomfortable shivers down Magnus’ spine.

 

Magnus didn’t even bother to deny her accusation or make a move to step inside her place to explain his reasons. He just gulped, a strange taste of relief mixed with guilt filling him. He knew this should be harder for him, but it should be difficult for Camille too. She had every right to be angry – Magnus needed her to be angry, to let him know that he was doing the right thing, and not confuse him further.

 

“Let me guess, your pet finally admitted his feelings and you were on board the minute he did so, right?” A humorless laugh escaped Camille’s throat, an unimaginably inhuman sound. Magnus could sense that she was bitter, angry, disgusted.

 

“That’s not it,” he argued, though, maybe he wished it was. Magnus didn’t even allow himself time to think Camille’s suggestion that Alec was feeling the same way towards him over. Magnus wasn’t even quite sure how he felt, but the sense of hope at Camille’s accusation was somewhat telling.

 

“Don’t lie to me. Even if he didn’t say anything yet, you clearly want him to,” Camille accused. Magnus didn’t know if it should surprise him that she knew what had been going on inside of him all along. Yes – she knew him well, better than most.

A smile, shark-like and predatory, spread over Camille’s otherwise soft and pretty features. She caught onto something and was ready to deliver her blow – Magnus just hoped it would be her last one.

 

“You know, I _get_ it. You’re tired of me – good, I’ve been tired of you for a while too. But don’t, for a second, believe that the kid won’t get tired of you as well.” Camille paused, letting her words sink in. Something that Magnus hadn’t thought about before, and by the look on Camille’s face, she knew that she took Magnus off guard. That’s when she continued her offense.

“You are broken, you are flawed, and you are worth nothing more than the money you spend on people. If you don’t actually know that yourself, then you are even more of a fool than I took you to be. Face it Bane; there is no happily ever after for you. Love just isn’t for everyone.”

 

Every word cut like a knife through Magnus’ skin. He had to endure it, had to face what he was told, had to make himself not believe those words.

 

“Go on then. Play with your boy-toy, and in a year or so, you can search for the next best thing again.”

And then, finally, and with a complacent grin, Camille closed the door right in front of Magnus. Just like that she was gone. If he really wanted to, Magnus could imagine this whole conversation never happened, maybe he’d have to. He never even got to say all the things he wanted to, he never got the chance to tell Camille why he did what he did. Perhaps, Magnus wanted her to know so he could feel justified, but it seemed like he blew his chance. He’d have to live on, unable to make things right – or at least not as wrong as they ended now.

 

Without another word, without any sign of emotion, Magnus left the building. He strolled, almost without intention, lost in his mind, until he was well on his way back to his own apartment.

As he stood in front of it, nothing seemed to have changed. There was still the anonymous, ever-present crowd of strangers on the streets. There was still the blue and grey sky over his head. There was still the constant noise of the lively city around him. It was all still the same, yet he felt like he had changed. For better or for worse – Magnus wasn’t sure. But changed, he had.


	13. Passing

Something was off. Magnus knew it as soon as he set foot in his apartment. It felt colder, lacking, lonely. It was a daunting feeling that overcame him, and he hoped that he misjudged, but couldn’t be sure.

 

“Alec?” Magnus called out. He didn’t even rid himself of his jacket, feeling an urgency deep in his bones which grew even more prominent when the boy didn’t answer. A jolt of panic coursed through Magnus and he cursed under his breath as he took wide steps towards Alec’s room. Without hesitation, Magnus opened the door, not even bothering to knock or announce his presence further.

 

Just like that, Magnus was faced with exactly what he didn’t want to find. A cold, empty room, the remnant of something special – someone special. But now, nothing seemed to be left. Alec’s belongings were all gone, along with the boy himself.

Everything else was just as Magnus had left it. It was as if Alec had never been here, but Magnus could feel it – feel the traces of warmth and belonging everywhere.

 

Magnus was well aware of what Alec’s absence could mean, especially because of the way the boy had withdrawn in the past week. The boy was unstable, fragile, and wounded. Even though he tried to hide it, under his hard shell, Alec was still the same. Magnus had tried to rebuild him, but he knew he could only do so much. In the end it had to be Alec himself to do the hard work, but now, with his absence, Magnus felt like Alec had given in to something he shouldn’t have.

 

After all that had happened, after everything Magnus just did, he was not ready to give up. He was going to fight Alec’s inner demons with him, he was ready to help the boy, and he was not willing to let him give in.

 

Afloat with determination, driven by the breeze of fierce protectiveness, Magnus left his apartment again. It would not end like this. If he had to, Magnus would rip the clouds from the sky so the sun could shine on Alec’s world again – but before that, he’d have to find the boy before it was too late.

 

\---

 

An empty husk stood atop a wavering bridge, the wind threatening to blow it over the edge, carrying it, like a leave, to sink beneath the waves below or to rot in a corner and become earth once more.

 

“You should really think about this.” There – a voice, not carefree, but not caring yet. Alec didn’t dare to turn around, he did not dare to let himself be brought off his path again.

“I was actually standing right here too.” The voice pressed on, luring Alec in, but he fought it.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything, and if you’re really determined about this, I won’t stop you. But let me just tell you a little story, alright? And promise me you won’t jump in the middle of it, because that would be some real wasted effort on my end.”

 

Alec just wanted to be left alone, like it was supposed to be. He did not look the other way, he didn’t step back, but he did listen, compelled by the finality of this moment.

 

“My parents died when I was very young. I didn’t have any other family, so that was hard enough as it is. A year or so later, I was adopted by a guy named Valentine. That’s when things got really bad. He was abusive. He hit me, he drugged me, he raped me…and I couldn’t get away from him, as much as I tried. I felt pretty pathetic and worthless, until I couldn’t take it anymore and ended up here. I was about to jump when someone called out and stopped me – this tiny little red-head. She yelled at me and told me that I was being irresponsible and stuff like that, and I don’t know why, but I felt horrible about making her mad.

We ended up talking, I told her everything about Valentine, and she just listened, and after I got everything off of my chest, she still didn’t make a run for it. She’s actually stayed with me ever since, and she’s reminded me every day that my past doesn’t define me and that things can always get better, as cliché as it sounds. But it really is true.

So just think about what you’re about to do, okay? It doesn’t have to be that way. I’m sure there’s something or someone out there for you, just waiting to be found.”

 

Then there was a pause again. Alec hadn’t realized he had closed his eyes – maybe he hoped the darkness would drown out this voice, but it didn’t. Maybe he should’ve just gone. Maybe he shouldn’t have listened, because now, there was something in him again.

Was it really fair to leave Magnus like this? Without further notice, without a word of farewell? Why was it always Magnus that Alec’s mind returned to? It wasn’t fair, and it shouldn’t have been that way.

 

‘This can wait,’ Alec finally decided. Not because he was less sure of his actions – maybe he was, but didn’t realize it – but because he wanted to finish everything. He wanted to draw a line, and he wanted his story with Magnus to have an end, more for the sake of Magnus himself, than for his own.

 

With that, Alec stepped away from the bridge’s railing. He wanted to find the person the voice had belonged to, but whoever had been talking seemed to have vanished. All that Alec saw was a stream of people who had ignored him and continued to do so, and, in the distance, a golden-blond mop of hair, seeming brightly misplaced within this grey city, walking away, not even facing Alec.


	14. Reinvention

It had gotten worse and worse. The hollow emptiness clawing at Magnus, growing with each passing moment – black, black, so dark, nothing at all.

 

He had been on the search for Alec for hours now, every passing second clinging onto him like a deadly weight and a reminder – it was his fault. If something had happened to Alec, it was Magnus’ fault for not being there for him. For not being there when Alec needed him to be there. For not finding him in time. For not stopping him.

Magnus had strolled through each and every place he remembered Alec talking about, every place they’d been together, and elsewhere when he still couldn’t find him. What began as a systematic search, a calculated hunt, had now grown into nothing but an erratic, instinctive effort.

 

Familiar stings and scars resurfaced, reminding Magnus of times he couldn’t save the ones he cared about. He would not – no, he could not let that happen again. He wouldn’t allow it. Only that thought had kept him going this far, but eventually, Magnus’ body was bound to give in to tiredness and exhaustion. Combined with the aching of incompletion and the dizzying feeling of not accomplishing what he needed to, Magnus could do nothing but return to his home, hoping, by any chance, that Alec was still out there, that the boy still hadn’t given up, and that he could be found and saved.

 

What Magnus wasn’t expecting, was to find Alec at his apartment. Something about him seemed different, changed, and determined. He had his few belongings with him, stuffed into his bag, and he was staring at Magnus intently, as if to draw something out of him.

Magnus didn’t stop to ask questions. He didn’t bother to ask what had happened. He just needed to revel in the feeling of Alec being save – though he really couldn’t be sure anymore if the boy really was save or not. Something must’ve urged him to leave, and Magnus would need to find out eventually in order to provide for Alec exactly what he needed. After all, that is what he wanted, he was sure of it now.

 

Neither of the two had spoken a word when Magnus pulled Alec into his arms. The warm, solid presence in his arms was grounding, almost as if he was the one who needed to be saved.

For a moment, Alec didn’t react. He stood, unmoving, unwavering. Only when he felt a small wetness hit his neck where Magnus face was buried did he lift his arms and embrace Magnus as well.

 

“I thought you were gone…I-“ Magnus’ voice was shaky and uneven. He could barely contain all the emotions trying to make themselves known. So much came crashing down upon him, and it was terrifying.

 

“I uhm…I just came to talk to you. But I can’t stay.” Unlike Magnus, Alec seemed to be able to control his emotions, even though there were hints of reluctance and fear weaved into his words.

Magnus pulled back, still keeping his hands on Alec’s shoulders, fearing that, without the hold, he’d collapse. He stared at Alec in disbelief, searching for something – anything – to explain what he meant.

“Why? Where will you go?” Magnus inquired. Alec was deliberately avoiding his eyes, and that was almost just as scary as losing the boy completely – it spoke of something that was once there and was now broken. Something that Magnus didn’t know they could rebuild.

“I don’t know yet. But I can’t be here, I don’t want to impair your relationship or your life any more than I already have.” Alec sounded more determined than ever. Now that he spoke those words, he was more certain of them than before, and he hoped, more than anything, that Magnus could understand.

 

But he just stared back at Alec. For a moment, Magnus was frozen, trying to process Alec’s words and what they implied. If what the boy said was truly his reason for leaving, then Magnus knew he had a chance to repair this damage.

 

“Camille is gone, Alec. And she’s not coming back. That was my decision – it was a long time coming – so please don’t blame yourself, okay? If that’s what you were afraid of, that you would destroy what I had with her, then please know that you did no such thing. If anything, you made me realize that I didn’t need her, and that I couldn’t be around her anymore.”

 

It took Alec a moment to take all that in. Camille – gone? Since when? She’d been the reason he needed to leave. She’d been the reason he felt like he didn’t belong with Magnus anymore. In fact, she’d been the reason Alec had been driven to the point of almost taking his life. And now – now she was just gone?  
A strange mixture of emotions flooded Alec’s mind. Relief, of course. If Camille wasn’t with Magnus anymore, Alec would’ve nothing to fear from her. But then there was guilt – what if Magnus lied, and it really was Alec’s fault that he couple was no longer together? How could he ever be sure?

 

“Please Alec, you don’t need to leave…I-“ Magnus took in a shuddering breath, almost revealing what he hoped Alec now understood anyways.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

 

Alec didn’t understand. He didn’t know whether Magnus told the truth, or if he just didn’t want to feel responsible for any hurt that may be coming Alec’s way if he left. This was not what the boy had intended when he resolved to finish his business with Magnus – at least he didn’t think so. But now? Now everything seemed strange and new again, like a dream, like a hopeful thought come true. And the absurdity of it all made Alec doubt whether or not he could have this – whether he could have a chance at life again, and whether Magnus would really be there throughout whatever was to come.


	15. Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who wrote a chapter and forgot to upload it...Whoops.

Uneasy, yet welcome steadiness enveloped Alec when he set foot in Magnus’ apartment again. Nothing in it had changed, it looked just like it did when he left, but somehow, Alec felt that things were not as they seemed – not as normal, and not as unchanged as they appeared.   
Magnus followed soon after Alec, an aching pressure constantly surging through him. He had to redeem himself, he knew that much – he wanted to. But he didn’t quite know how, but whenever Magnus looked at Alec, he knew that the boy was worth the effort.

 

Alec didn’t talk to Magnus. Before he could say any more, he needed to understand what he was feeling, but he didn’t know whether he could do so on his own. The only other people who cared enough for him to be able to talk to them would be Magnus, who could obviously not help with this issue, and Isabelle. Alec hadn’t talked to the latter in a few days, thanks to the repulsing feeling Camille had planted in his heart. But now, now that things with Magnus and Camille seemed to be resolved, maybe Alec could talk to his sister again. Maybe she would be able to help him out, to give some advice he so desperately needed.

 

“Magnus?” Alec called out from his room – or rather, Magnus’ guest room. It wasn’t Alec’s, really, but he liked to think of it as his space, his personal little place. He even opened the door, almost as if to let Magnus – or at least his presence – in.

“Yes?” came the unsure and strained answer. Alec tried not to read too much into Magnus’ voice. Even when he appeared in Alec’s line of sight, Alec tried not to let his gaze linger on Magnus’ face for too long, fearing what he might find on it.

“Would it be alright if I invited my sister over? I…I haven’t seen her in a while.”

“Of course, yes. I think that’s a good idea.” Immediately, Magnus seemed more relaxed, though a hint of tension still remained. When Alec met his gaze, wearing a thankful expression, Magnus mirrored him with a reassuring smile.

 

Alec texted his sister, letting her know where to find him, and when she could come around. It didn’t take her long to respond, affirming that she would come later that day, and that she was looking forward to it.  
Alec, on the other hand, didn’t know what he should expect. Yes, he was glad he could see his sister again – but then again, she reminded him of the place he grew up in, of all the bad things that happened, of the family he lost. Alec locked himself in his room, drowning in a sea of memories, good and bad, before a knock on the door announced his sister’s arrival. Before Alec got the chance to do so, Magnus had already opened the door. The younger one stepped towards the apartment’s entrance as well, but stopped in time to watch the exchange between Magnus and Isabelle from a safe distance.

 

“Magnus – I…I’m here to see my brother. He said he’d be here.” Izzy’s usual firm yet carefree voice seemed to be interwoven with sadness and regret. Alec’s heart ached at the thought of being the cause of that. He was supposed to protect and care for his sister, not worry her.  
“Yes, he’s in his room…I’m glad you could come, I think it will help Alec.” And with that, Magnus stepped aside, making room for Izzy to enter, but she hesitated, eyeing the older man for a second, before speaking again.

“Thank you for looking after him, it’s uhm…I’d like to think he has a friend in you. So thanks,” Isabelle explained. She seemingly wanted to sound stern and distanced, but she failed. There was a honest vulnerability she couldn’t hide, and it seemed to make Magnus warm up to her as well.  
“I honestly didn’t do much, but thank you for your kind words. Please, come in, I’m sure Alexander’s waiting for you. Would you like something? Tea? Coffee? Just let me know.”  
“I’m good for now, I just…I just really want to see my brother.”  
“Of course.” And with that, Magnus retreated to his own room, only acknowledging Alec with a slight smile while passing him, before he closed the door behind him to give the siblings some privacy.

 

“Alec?” Izzy said, stepping forward, but not too close to her brother. She wanted to give him space to react, wanted him to take the lead and do whatever was comfortable for him. Alec, in turn, took his chance graciously, and stepped forward to hug his sister tightly. Izzy responded immediately and sighed into her brother’s chest.

“I missed you,” the younger Lightwood mumbled, trying to hold back tears.  
“I missed you too,” Alec concurred when he pulled back to smile at his sister.  
The two made their way to the kitchen space and sat down in silence for a while before Isabelle began to speak.  
  
“How’re you doing? Is everything well with you and Magnus?” At that, Alec sighed, but showed a little smile.  
“Yeah, he’s uh…we’re good. He’s been really nice and comforting so…” Alec’s voice trailed off. He didn’t know where he was going with that, but he felt like there was so much more to say about Magnus.

“Mom and dad are…well, it’s been rough without you at home,” Izzy explained, not meeting her brother’s gaze. As if that would not be worrying.

“Iz, if there’s something wrong, you need to get out of there. I could talk to Magnus if you want me to, maybe he could-“ But Izzy quickly interrupted her brother before he got carried away with his idea.

“I’m fine. Everything’s fine. I’ll get out of there as soon as I can, but for now I’m good. If anything changes, you’ll be the first one to know.”  
Alec wanted to protest, because he knew his sister wasn’t happy back with their parents, but if she set her mind to it, there was nothing he could to change that.  
“Fine, but promise me to call if something’s up,” he gave in.  
“Of course I will,” Izzy assured.  
  
The two sat in silence for another moment, before Isabelle showed a slow grin and edged closer towards Alec.  
“So…you an Magnus, huh?”


	16. Warmth

“What - what are you talking about Iz?” A rosy blush painted Alec’s cheeks, and he hoped – futilely – that his sister wouldn’t notice. Of course that wasn’t the case.

“Come on Alec, don’t play dumb. It’s no crime to have a crush, you know? Magnus is cute.” Again, Alec wanted nothing more than to ignore his sister, or rather the topic at hand. It was something he had thought about a lot, but nothing he was comfortable talking about. He knew he didn’t need to be so closed-off, especially with his sister, but that was just the way he learned to deal with his feelings and thoughts, which he – and his parents – had deemed inappropriate.

 

In the end, Alec chose not to speak to his sister about his feelings, instead choosing to change the subject back to her and how she was doing, now that Alec wasn’t home anymore.  
Izzy, of course, knew that her brother only wanted to distract her. She knew that he wasn’t someone to talk openly about his feelings, especially in the vulnerable state he was in right now. In time, maybe he would tell her – Isabelle hoped that he knew he could always talk to her. But for the moment, she could do nothing more than accept the current circumstances and play along.  
Alec, in turn, was glad his sister knew better than to pressure him into talking about things he hadn’t made his mind up about yet. Nonetheless, Izzy’s remark got Alec thinking. Thoughts he had tried to block out, thoughts he tried to ignore, thoughts that simply weren’t appropriate. But now that his sister had mentioned it, Alec couldn’t help thinking about the possibilities.

 

Now that Camille was gone, it felt like there was a chance. A chance for Alec – with Magnus. It seemed unlikely; happiness had been so far out of reach for Alec that even the thought of it appeared as something unobtainable. And yet, there was a dream, a hope, a possibility. Something not completely off limits anymore.

 

Izzy stayed for hours, catching up with her brother and making up for the time they lost over the last weeks. Alec chose not to tell her about what happened on the bridge, he didn’t need his sister to worry even more. If she knew, she would probably never leave his side again, but that’s nothing Alec ever wanted for her. Just because he was desperate and unhappy, didn’t mean his sister had to be as well. The two did, however, agree to meet more regularly, allowing for a certain sense of normality in their – admittedly – unusual situation.

 

It was much later when Alec went to bed. He had been locked up inside his room for a while, alone with his circling mind – his sister’s question still there, and still unanswered.  
A sudden knock brought Alec back to reality. He looked up, slowly, and made his way to open the door. When he did, Magnus was staring back at him like he hadn’t actually expected Alec to open the door.

 

“How’re you feeling?” he questioned, seemingly regaining a little bit of footing.  
“I wouldn’t say I’m good, but…I’m better. Thanks.” That wasn’t a lie, compared to how he had felt only hours ago, Alec was happier now than he had been.

For a moment, Magnus hesitated before he spoke again. It seemed as if he was searching very carefully for the right words, yet he sounded so confident when he finally found them.

“I’m glad you came back.” Nothing more – simple. Yet there were so many unspoken hopes and promises in there, so much more, and Magnus only hoped Alec would at least understand a little of what he was actually trying to say.

Alec swallowed thickly, now also trying to use the right words. Not wanting to reveal too much, but needing Magnus to know…something.

“Me too…I’m – I’m glad I came back.”

 

For a moment, there was silence. A peaceful, serene nothingness that surrounded the two. Nothing more was said, nothing more needed to be said for the moment. There was hope. Only a little, but it was there, and it would be enough for now. It only needed to be taken care of so one day it could grow.  
Eventually, Magnus excused himself to go to bed, but not before pulling Alec in for a tender hug. The younger one let him, and instead of panicking or pulling away, Alec memorized the feeling of this touch, of the warmth coming off of Magnus.  
When they pulled apart, Alec did not try to fight the smile that was spreading on his face. Magnus only mirrored him, staring for a brief second, before turning and leaving for his own bedroom.

 

That night, Alec, for the first time in a very long time, was not plagued by nightmares. The dark thoughts that usually haunted even his sleeping thoughts were cast aside by other images; soft caramel skin beneath his hands, heated touches, noises of pure bliss, shivers of pleasure, the most beautiful golden-green eyes – and for once, Alec did not feel guilty about it, he didn’t want to. He let himself enjoy this moment.

When he woke up the next day, he found a mess in his pants – a reminder of the night. When Alec went to the bathroom to clean himself up, he stared at his reflection in the mirror for a moment. He did not see what Magnus and his sister saw – a man worthy of living – at least not yet. But he would try; Alec would try his best to see what they saw. To be the man they thought him to be. He promised to himself; for them, he would try.


	17. Crack

When Alec emerged from the bathroom, Magnus was already sitting at his kitchen table, sipping on his spicy-smelling tea and skimming through his newspaper. When he caught sight of Alec, he put his cup down and smiled at the younger one. Without saying anything, Magnus put a plate with scrambled eggs and bacon down.  
“Thanks,” Alec muttered, still not used to Magnus’ hospitality. He sat down and ate in silence for a while, before he noticed that Magnus was observing him. Alec immediately felt self-conscious, and even after all that happened between them, tried to hide his embarrassed flush from Magnus.

Magnus, luckily enough, decided to ignore Alec’s reaction in favor of keeping his eyes fixed on the boy. Now that Magnus got a good look at him, his fears and past forgotten for the moment, he realized what a piece of art he truly was. Dark, unruly hair that framed high cheek-bones. Plum lips on smooth skin. It was pointless to ignore the attraction and strange pull Magnus felt towards Alec, though he wouldn’t yet act on it. Alec was fragile, even if he didn’t want to show it – but Magnus knew. He knew that any wrong move, any inconsiderate action might break the boy way beyond repair. This was something Magnus wanted to do right, something he would gladly take his time with, something that was worth it.

 

“Got any plans for today?” Magnus asked conversationally. He hoped Alec would say no, because Magnus had already planned a few things they could do together – but he didn’t want to assume.  
“Uhm…not really, why?” Alec inquired, looking up from his plate to meet Magnus’ eyes, eyes he might never stop getting lost in.  
“I thought about going out for coffee and maybe to the movies afterwards…you could join me if you want,” Magnus replied, his hopeful plea clear in his tone.

Magnus had something to prove to Alec. He had to prove that he wouldn’t treat him unlike anyone else, just because of his past. He had to prove that he wanted to be around Alec, and that he wanted Alec to be around him. Magnus wanted to prove that they could be friends, and, if things went well, maybe more.

“Yeah…yeah that sounds nice,” Alec finally murmured. He had to tell himself time and time again; this was normal. This is what _friends_ do. Nothing more, nothing less. He wouldn’t get his hopes up yet, in fear of bitter disappointment – but there still might be a chance, right? Alec decided to swallow his doubts and fears and just see what the day might bring; he hadn’t done that in so long – just living.

 

Later that day, Alec and Magnus found themselves in a coffee shop near the Brooklyn Bridge. The shop was buzzing with life, it almost seemed crowded, but not quite. In fact, Magnus never felt anything more private – all he was focused on was Alec, even when dozens of other people were swarming around them.

The two didn’t talk much, but neither of them felt it necessary. There was a kind of unspoken understanding between them. They sat silent while the people around them filled the air with chatter and noise.

Not long after they both finished their drinks, they headed out again. As Magnus had suggested, they made their way to the movies to kill some more time. Neither of them was very intent on any of the movies that were running, but they eventually decided for the most interesting title.  
It had been a long while since Magnus last cried during a movie, but this one, chosen randomly, accomplished just that. He was surprised as anyone else when he felt the first tear roll down his cheek as the movie got to its dramatic climax. What made the whole experience memorable though, was Alec noticing what was happening. He turned his head towards Magnus, just in time to see his tear.   
Instead of making fun or laughing at him, like Magnus honestly thought he deserved, because he wasn’t someone to think movies were worth crying over, Alec just smiled timidly. He took Magnus’ hand and squeezed it softly, before turning his attention back to the screen.

Magnus wasn’t afraid to admit that, after that, he was, in no way, able to pay any more attention to the movie. Alec’s hand, still lingering on his own, was all Magnus could focus on. The almost burning sensation of an intimate gesture that was only meant for him. In the dark, crowded theatre, Magnus felt alone with Alec, as if there was nothing else in the world that mattered besides them.

 

Alec held Magnus hand for the rest of their stay, feeling bold and brave, yet vulnerable. But Magnus didn’t pull away either, and that was all the reassurance Alec could have hoped for. Even after they left the building, Alec could still practically feel where his hand had touched Magnus’. He could still feel Magnus’ pulse pumping in his veins like a soothing rhythm.   
On their way home, Alec walked just a little closer to Magnus, feeling, with every step, how the walls around his heart, he had so carefully built over the years, slowly crumbed and started to collapse. Alec looked at the man beside him, at Magnus, who did more than he ever needed to, more than Alec could have ever expected, more than he had hoped for. Yet here they were, together – and Alec would not change any of it. If all that he’d been through meant ending up where he was now, he was glad. Glad he grew from his past, instead of shatter and succumb to it. Glad he persevered. And glad Magnus was there to see him through.


	18. Private

When they got home that evening, it felt like something had changed. Something that had been on the verge of being was slowly dragged into existence. Magnus’ flat felt alive with something new that had taken root.

While Alec excused himself to take a shower, Magnus went on to prepare dinner. The feeling of normality and home was something completely new between them – but Magnus reveled in the feeling. Now that he and Alec had come to this point, there was no denying that all that they went through was worth it. With a smile on his face, Magnus went on with his cooking.

 

Alec was standing in front of the bathroom mirror. He had turned the shower on to not pull any attention. He was undressed and staring at himself – at all the scars, and all the imperfections. Again, he searched for anything special that Magnus might see in him, but he didn’t find what he was looking for. With a sigh, Alec finally stepped into the shower, willing the water to wash away his insecurities.  
Alec now understood that the way he was thinking was not healthy, that he shouldn’t do it. But it was so hard to let go of all that happened to him and just start again. The only thing that was now keeping him going was the fact that Magnus seemed to be there to see him through the hardships.

 

Not long after, Alec emerged from his room, freshly showered and newly clothed. Magnus had thrown together a quick pasta dish and was waiting impatiently for Alec. As soon as he saw the younger one, Magnus dished two plates on the kitchen table and waited for Alec to sit down, before joining him, a smile on his face.

 “Did you have fun today?” he questioned casually, avoiding Alec’s eyes, though Magnus wasn’t sure whether he was doing so intentionally. All of the conversations he had started with Alec that day, it seemed, were leading towards one single outcome, but hadn’t quite arrived there. Magnus was anxious to find out what that outcome was.   
“Yeah, I really enjoyed the movie,” Alec replied with a tight, yet genuine smile. Finally, Magnus lifted his head and met Alec’s eyes. As soon as he did, he couldn’t help but smile back at the boy in front of him.   
“What about you? Did you enjoy it?” Alec questioned. It didn’t seem as if there was some hidden message behind his words, it didn’t seem as if he was hinting at something, anything in particular – there was just casual interest.  
“I honestly didn’t catch much of the second half,” Magnus said – clearly hinting at something Alec was obviously not quite getting. In fact, Alec furrowed his brows in concern, even though Magnus was still smiling warmly at him.

“Really? Why? Didn’t you enjoy the movie?” Magnus couldn’t help but be intrigued by Alec’s naiveté. The poor boy did absolutely not understand what Magnus was hinting at – the pure innocence made Magnus’ chest constrict in a warm knot of fondness.   
“I don’t understand…” Alec muttered, his brows still furrowed. Magnus sighed, wanting nothing more than to make Alec understand. How is it that this boy made it so hard for Magnus to just use his words properly? He had always been more than coy with his way of speaking, but somehow, Alec made him forget all that. Instead, Magnus felt compelled to let actions speak, hoping he had read Alec’s signs correctly and he wouldn’t scare him off.

Magnus leaned over the table and grabbed Alec’s hand in his own, squeezing it lightly before starting to rub circles on it. Alec’s reaction was immediate and to be expected; he blushed furiously, his cheeks taking on the most delicious color Magnus had ever seen, aside from the boy’s eyes.  
“Oh…that’s-“ Alec’s voice trailed off. It seemed as if, although Alec had been confident enough in public, Magnus’ intimate gesture when it was just between the two of them somehow sent Alec’s mind into a tumble of incoherence. This was not just some casual or friendly gesture anymore, this was meant to only be seen and felt by Alec – and that awareness was almost too much for Alec to handle.

 

In his mind, Alec struggled between ripping his hand away, saving himself and Magnus from the very likely possibility of either of them getting hurt, and getting lost in the moment. It seemed as if this struggle had taken quite some time, as Magnus stopped moving his hand, seemingly misinterpreting Alec’s lack of reaction as rejection.   
Barely in time, Alec overwhelmed his screaming rational mind and instead gathered all the confidence he could find within himself. He squeezed Magnus’ hand, not willing to let it go. Alec looked up at Magnus, straight into his eyes, before smiling brilliantly. Right in that moment, Magnus exhaled audibly and closed his eyes in contentment.

 

The two finished their meal in comfortable silence, their hands still interlocked – a symbol of what they now definitely could feel growing between them.  
Alec would have been content with siting like that for the rest of the night, but his treacherous body betrayed him when he couldn’t suppress a yawn. While Alec was cursing himself internally, Magnus chuckled and got up, pulling Alec along by his hand.  
“Come on, it’s been a long day, you should get some rest.” Alec had half a mind to protest, but the warmth simmering in his chest wouldn’t allow for that.

The two stopped in front of Alec’s room before Magnus finally released Alec’s hand. The younger one immediately missed the connection, the fear of this all just being a construct of his messed up imagination threatening to overtake him. Not willing to let that side of his mind win, Alec decided on one last bravery for this day.


	19. Kiss

It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t anything like in the movies he’d seen, it was certainly nothing like he imagined this would happen – _if_ he actually hoped for it. More often than not, situations and events like this were pushed so far out of Alec’s sight, he would not dare to think about them twice.

Yet here he was, opposite of Magnus, a man he had so strangely grown accustomed to. The sheer boldness it had taken for Alec to convince himself of doing this – it was nothing short of incredible.

 

Alec grabbed the collar of Magnus’ shirt – he was certain through this alone there was no room for debate as to what he was about to do. When Magnus gaze just faltered and jumped from Alec’s hands on his shirt to his face, Alec was suddenly not convinced anymore.   
But instead of pulling back, making up an excuse and stumbling through the inevitable embarrassments that would follow, Alec pushed forward. He was not completely there yet – he wanted to make sure that Magnus knew what would happen, and that he would have a chance to pull away if this was nothing he wanted as well. When there was neither a sign of understanding nor resentment though, Alec resigned himself to whatever would follow his actions, unwilling to let go of this opportunity.

 

With one last pull and a sudden forward-movement, Alec pressed his lips to Magnus’.   
For an excruciatingly long second, neither Alec nor Magnus knew how to go on, staying unmoving, yet neither of them shied away.

It was enough time however, for Alec to enjoy what must’ve been the most exquisite feeling he had ever felt – or perhaps simply the most pleasant one he remembered, given the recent development of his life. Nevertheless, what was happening now, he would certainly never forget.

Magnus’ lips felt so soft and warm on his own, nothing like Alec had imagined it. After all, it was just skin touching, a soft caress, nothing more. But it was – it was so much more, and it was simply unexplainable how it came to that, especially, when Magnus started to move.

 

It took Alec a moment to realize, but quickly, his mind caught up with what was happening to his body. It seemed as though Magnus had needed to catch up as well, because he also reveled in the touch of their lips before he acted, and tried to show Alec that this was _okay_ , this was _good_ , and nothing he had to be afraid or ashamed of.

Magnus kissed Alec back, softly and barely there, knowing full and well that Alec would regret this if he moved too fast. Instead of taking and forcing, showing Alec what a real kiss was like, Magnus slowly guided the younger one, letting Alec settle in his own pace.

 

They stayed like that, nothing but lips moving against each other. Magnus had grabbed onto Alec’s hips and was holding him like the second he let go, he might lose the boy. Alec had loosened his grip on Magnus’ collar in favor of caressing his sides – not only because he was unsure as to what to do with his hands, but also because it felt nice, and every so often, would elicit a sigh from Magnus.

 

It was Magnus who pulled away first – not because he wasn’t thoroughly enjoying what was happening, but because he wanted to make sure Alec was still on board with this. When he looked up at Alec, Magnus was faced with kiss-swollen, red lips and eyes so full of excitement and curiosity, they were almost tearing up.  
Alec and Magnus breathed each other in for a moment, basking in their shared feeling, before connecting once more. They couldn’t be certain who started it, but it didn’t matter – they were both willing.

 

This time, Magnus pushed just a little further, hoping to elicit stronger reactions out of Alec, giving him the courage to act on his own instincts and take from Magnus as well.  
At the first swipe of a tongue against his lips, Alec shuddered with anticipation and enjoyment. When the movement continued, insistent but gentle, Alec slowly parted his lips, allowing Magnus to intrude him.  
With the first touch of their tongues, Alec felt like he had been sent to nirvana. How could he have denied himself of this superb feeling for all these years? How could he ever live without it again? How could anything ever compare to this?

Alec chased after every touch, every movement, he pressed forward, pulled Magnus closer – he wanted to feel him, needed to. Magnus kept his hands securely on Alec’s hips, not only anchoring himself anymore, but also Alec, who Magnus knew could lose himself at any moment.

 

Neither of them knew how long it took them to do so, but eventually, they each pulled away, allowing for just a tiny bit of space between them.

“Wow…” Alec breathed, his chest heaving from exhilaration. He felt like the second he let go of Magnus’, he’d crumple to the ground and not be able to move again.  
“You should get some rest,” Magnus said again, and Alec felt it – the sting of rejection. Even after they shared this moment, Magnus would just push him away like this? He would just forget this happened and move on?  
But Alec’s fears were extinguished as fast as they came, when Magnus stole another chaste kiss before stepping backwards and finally releasing Alec’s trembling form.

“Don’t worry, I’ll still be here tomorrow…We’re in no rush,” he said, a last smiling glance directed towards Alec, before he turned around and went to his room, closing the door silently behind him.

Alec stayed in the hallway for another minute, brushing his fingers over his lips and chasing the feeling of Magnus. He finally went to bed, excited for the next day.


	20. Chain

_A knife to his throat, mocking laughter all around. Alec knew this dream very well – it had haunted him for years and years. He was holding the knife himself, tears streaming down his youthful face as he was overwhelmed by things a kid should never have heard or seen._

_Usually, Alec wasn’t even able to tell the faces of the people that surrounded him, he dared not look into their eyes in fear of all the hate and mockery he’d see in them. But he could tell by the voices who came to watch his last moments._

_Maryse was telling him that he should have done this years ago, that it was about time he’d get it done with. Robert was telling him how disappointed he was, that he just wanted a normal son – but instead, he got a broken, flawed shell. Camille was there, screaming and yelling at Alec for taking Magnus away from her, for destroying not only her, but Magnus’ happy ever after. Even Izzy was standing amongst the circle of people, saying that she would be off much better if she didn’t need to worry about Alec all the time._

_Tears were now clouding Alec’s vision as it went dark. The voices around him grew louder and more insistent with each passing second. The chorus of hate that engulfed him was starting to tear Alec apart, piece by piece._

_As he readied himself to cut through his own throat, ending not only his life but this eternal nightmare he was trapped in, there was something else ripping through the noise. It sounded like…footsteps. And with each step, the voices around Alec grew quieter, until he finally looked up._

_Magnus was standing there, across from Alec. He wasn’t saying anything. There was no judgement in his gaze. He put his hand around Alec’s wrist and slowly lowered the knife away from him._

_Around them, the voices never quite ceased, but like this, Alec could focus on Magnus, and forget about all that was around him. He took a deep breath and leaned forward. As soon as he touched Magnus, Alec began to sob uncontrollably into the older man’s shoulder, shivers rippling through him. And Magnus just stood there, comforting Alec and running a soothing hand up and down his back._

_The voices never stopped, but Alec couldn’t even understand them anymore – he was safe, he knew that much. As long as he was here with Magnus, he was safe._

Alec awoke when an insistent hand kept brushing against his shoulder. With a groan he opened his eyes. Daylight was already streaming in through his window. Alec tried to roll away from it, tried to bury his face in his pillow, but the hand kept him in place. Finally Alec looked up to see who the intruder was, as he was met with Magnus’ gaze. He was wearing a frown, but Alec still thought he looked beautiful.

“You were whimpering in your sleep. Did you not sleep well?” Magnus questioned, his expression unchanging.  
“I never sleep well,” Alec replied. As he tried to rub the tiredness from his eyes, he noticed that they were stained with tears. Unusual, rare – but not unheard of for him. At least he slept through the night. It wouldn’t have been the first time he woke up screaming in a cold sweat.

Magnus also seemed to have noticed the wetness under Alec’s eyes. He reached out carefully and stroked his thumb over it. Alec’s body was working on its own accord when he sighed and leaned into the touch, though he was met with a sad smile from Magnus.

“That’s no way to live Alexander,” he insisted as he stroked over Alec’s cheek once more.  
“I got used to it. Trust me it’s been worse,” the younger one countered, and Magnus didn’t even want to imagine what that could mean. If Alec wasn’t as bad as he used to be that was still progress, wasn’t it? Magnus would make sure to monitor the younger one, keep a closer look. He just hoped Alec would keep getting better. From experience Magnus knew, things would never go back to the way they were, that was simply impossible and quite frankly too much to ask for as it seemed, but they would get better in time. Alec would just have to be patient – he wouldn’t need to be alone through it all.  
For now, Magnus dropped the topic, but noted to himself to keep it in mind.

 

“I made breakfast. Come on, you need to eat,” Magnus announced as he slowly rose from Alec’s bed. He held out a hand for Alec to take. The younger one hesitated for a moment, eyeing Magnus’ offered hand as if it might be a trap of some sort, but eventually he took it and let himself be pulled to his feet. Magnus noted that, while Alec was still not entirely comfortable with human contact and interaction, even from him, he was consciously trying to do his best – and that’s all Magnus would ask for.

 

Magnus led Alec out of his room and to the kitchen, all the while holding onto his hand like a lifeline that, in all honesty, Alec and Magnus in a way both needed.  
“I’m not going away, you know?” Magnus said absentmindedly, not even turning to look at Alec, though he was sure the younger one had heard him.

Alec felt his insides warm at Magnus’ declaration. It felt like a promise that, no matter how damaged he was, no matter what would come next for both of them, they could try and get through it together.

“Me neither,” Alec concurred.


End file.
